black hole

Nov 2, 2011

                It felt like a broken vacuum was inserted between my internal organs, deliberately switching on and off. And now I am the vacuum, slowly getting bigger, like a spreading disease, and fighting for space. No kick to the stomach could evoke such pain; it simply is the loss of something I never had. But what I never had was the dream that got me through. I relive the memories over and over and stepped inside my own character as a new person, with new choices, new thoughts, and new direction. And there’s not much regret than the fact that I did love her and knew it too late. I imagine conversations we’ve never had, how she asked me if I considered her as a good friend, and I’d reply to the positive, and she’d ask why and I’d say it’s because, “you know more about me than any person ever could, and yet you’re still here.” And it’s true, I speak her things about me I didn’t even know myself until the words had left my tongue and had drifted their way to her gentle and kind ears. She made me realize how much sadness is actually buried inside me, yet she also carried the only cure for it. When she’d have her occasional troubles regarding her family and feel that she’s bleeding my ear with all her anger, piercing like blades, I’d imagine her asking me after wiping a tear and exhaling a swift gush of air, “Have you ever judged me?” And I’d reply, “Never. And if ever I did, I have always judged you beautifully.”